Self-evaluation: my one resolution

Generally, if I am going to reflect on something personal, I do it on my other blog, "Dimly as Through a Mirror". We (myself, Dianne, and Chariti) blog here about things the Lord is teaching us, but in a less testimonial/biographical way. However, I am going to make an exception this time, to reflect on the last month.

Here is why, part 1: One of my inspirations for starting this blog was Jonathan Edwards, in particular his Resolutions. These sobering standards which he set for himself and committed to, reminded me of the great importance of eternal things and inspired me to inspire others with a holy tunnel-vision set on God and eternity. Hence this blog.

Here is why, part 2: Towards the end of 2011 I brought a personal situation to the attention of somebody on my (then) church's staff, and was berated for it. My intentions were completely misunderstood in the most negative way possible and I received a verbal lashing (over e-mail). Wanting to work out the situation itself before responding to this leader, I said nothing. I will always regret that I said nothing. Because once some time goes by, it becomes awkward and unnatural later to bring up something so serious. It may be for some sharp-tongued people that they need to discipline themselves to think before they speak. For myself, an incessantly contemplative and intellectual person who is perplexed by people's sudden and emotional responses, I have concluded that I need to discipline myself to speak up, at the very moment. And so my one resolution for 2012 has been, to be more forthright, with everyone, about everything, at every opportunity. 

And this was not some vague intention of mine. I was face-to-face with the river I absolutely must ford on the journey of manhood/adulthood. There were times in my college years when I responded to disrespect from a friend by distancing myself from that friend and effectively ending the friendship. Times, plural. Close friendships. My mindset was that if a person will disrespect you, they are not a friend, and that demanding respect only hands them the knife back to stab you again. Granted, there are times to distance oneself from a person, but I was not handling these situations in a mature way. Over time I realized this, and my experience with the church leader brought this truth to a head.

So the following are just some notes of how this has played out through January.

-I speak up for myself with my supervisor at work. She sometimes communicates negative messages in an indirect way, but I respond in a way that is more direct. Not nasty at all. But I did once reply to an e-mail, "Why did you send this to the department, and not just me?" when that e-mail seemingly only involved me and some work I needed to do. I know that even though I can be absent-minded, I work with integrity and do my best before God. And I do a pretty good job. And if that is true, then what can a supervisor complain about?

-I don't want to start aiming for a "perfect record" of standing up for myself, as a way of dealing with past omissions that I regret. I don't want to walk around itching for a confrontation so that I can prove myself again and again. I have to let the past be the past and let God, not myself or my discipline, be my joy.

-In a discussion with coworkers, shared my unpopular, Christian view of homosexuality, that it is a sin. This is something I would have done anyway, but fits the theme.

-Thankful that the Lord brought this whole issue to my attention, even if it was through pain. He disciplines those whom He loves! I know of so many grown men who seem to never address these types of issues in themselves. Think of all the small churches that are essentially run by an aggressive pastor's wife or elder's wife, and the men simply follow! Yikes. As I grow in this, He is sparing me a lot of pain and making me more of a man.

-Sometimes this resolution of mine to be more forthright is an issue of standing up for truth/the Gospel, and sometimes it is about standing up for myself (or perhaps someone else). It may be asked, why would you devote time and energy to standing up for yourself? After all, it's not about you, it's about Him and His glory. To this I would respond, (1) all people are created in the image of God and worthy of respect, (2) this resolution does not make me #1, but rather endorses what is true in all situations, and God is the source, embodiment, and author of *all* truth, (3) friendships flourish in environments of honesty, and lastly (4) it is most respectful to the people around you to be forthright, and it is better for them. It also gives people (in certain situations when repentance is needed) a chance to repent. Doesn't Jesus do that?

God grant me and you the boldness to stand up for ourselves and what is true.

This or that.

"But even if..."

Powerful. "If" sets up a dichotomy of results.

Having faith in the Lord means not only believing He will come through for you in the way you desire, but trusting that "even if" He does not, you still will worship only Him. You still will trust only Him. I was challenged by those words tonight as I read Daniel 3.

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, "King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty's hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:16-18 NIV)

The actions of God did not affect these men's firm faith in Him. So many times, our faith seems to build when we witness a positive act of God. When we see something we like.

"You have proven yourself worthy of another ounce of my faith'" we say, as we subconsciously throw God more spiritual coins as though He moves for our observation and affirmation. We pat Him on the head and close His compartment.

But even if? If God throws a link in your plan. If you get in an accident before a very important endeavor. If you miss your flight before a very important event. If you lose something... Very important to you.

It's in Him we move, we breathe, and have our being (Acts 17:28). So when He moves, should we not move as well? If we are truly moving and breathing and essentially being in God... We cannot help but move as He does.

So when God makes a "wrong move" in your mind, ask yourself... Is He moving wrong, or am I simply refusing to move with Him?

Fear

I've been meditating a lot on the fear of the Lord, and it's been hitting me a lot that if only I had more fear of God, I would be less consumed with fear of everything else! If to everything God asked us to give up - money, time, relationships, comfort, control, fill in the blank - we immediately jumped up and said "YES!" oh, the things He could do through us if only we had His perspective...

But we can have it!

Jesus praying in the garden of Gethsemane = an example of human suffering with such reverent fear of the Father that it drove Him to the CROSS - where He suffered physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. That Jesus willingly went to the cross in utter submission. Would I do that for God? Would you? Yet if we truly feared God, we would indeed fear what would happen if we didn't obey! Abraham almost slaughtered his son simply because God commanded him to act in obedience (Genesis 22) v. 12 - "'Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."' (By the way, that is such a cool foreshadowing of God sending His only Son to die for us! Did you ever notice that?) God continues to proclaim a blessing on Abraham, promising that through him and his descendants, nations would be blessed! So the question is, who do you fear more?

Psalm 112 is an outline of a person who fears the Lord and what their life looks like. It talks about blessing and prosperity through integrity and generosity. v 7 - "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." I think of Job in the Bible. God himself said that Job was a man who feared Him (Job 1:8, 2:3), yet he got bad news after bad news... after bad news! So is that contradictory? Nope! See, I don't think we fully understand blessing until we have perspective. If we view everything (and I mean everything) we have as God's anyway, and reverent fear drives us to complete obedience, nothing we have (or don't have) matters. It doesn't matter if we live in a mansion in the Hollywood Hills or the slums in Ethiopia, if we fear God, we know that we are truly blessed beyond anything we will ever deserve. Yes, Job questioned God, but his perspective was that God is still sovereign, and he trusted that there was a higher purpose.

If only we acted more out of fear for our Creator - think of what we could do!

Pain & Suffering

  pain is pain. regardless of the circumstances, it feels pretty much the same. while uncomfortable and certainly not desirable, it is inevitable. it's also unifying. it causes us to empathize. Empathy is: a deep emotional understanding of another's feelings or struggles. it's what enables us to comfort those who have experienced abuse or trauma, suffered the lost of a loved one, had their heart broken, even if specific circumstances aren't shared. pain is something we all can relate to. human beings also have the remarkable ability to forget pain. we can all remember it, but it's a cerebral memory, not a physical one. it's what enables women to go through childbirth again. to date again after a painful breakup. to trust people after a horrible betrayal.

  not only that, we can take comfort in the fact that Jesus experienced pain and suffering while on earth. though I doubt he was ever abused as a child, he comforts those who have been. as a human, he has walked in suffering, and shares ours today. if pain never produced anything life-giving, it would be too despairing. it has to produce something beautiful, or else it would all be, for what? nothing. take comfort in the fact that Jesus not only understands our pain, but he can always turn it around to produce something beautiful. even if it's hard to see in the midst of it, he will use it for good. that's a promise. 

Awake with the Dawn

I like sleep. If I don't have to get up for any particular reason, I'm not gonna. I wish I could be one of those people who get up with the sun, run 5 miles, cook an elaborate breakfast, and be on their 3rd cup of coffee by 7am. Are there people out there like that, you ask? Yep, and I live with them ;) (and love it!) Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little. But still. Awake with the dawn. I heard a song with those lyrics in it. One of my favorite artists, Nichole Nordeman, writes such beautiful music that always touches my soul so deeply and I have the highest admiration, if not a touch of jealousy, for. One of her songs Mercies New, possesses these lines:

Your mercies are new every morning
So let me wake with the dawn

It may hold different meaning to others, but to me, that is desperation. To be so desperate for God's mercies that you need them as soon as possible! I know that if I don't go about my day without the knowledge of my desperate need for God, all I aspire to do is nonsense. If I am not operating in the power, wisdom, compassion, and authority of Him, I'm ineffective. Thank goodness for all those times I acted out of my own strength and wisdom, and God's grace covered it. Imagine if we walked around as desperate for God as the air we breathe. I never want to get used to what happened on the cross. I never want my heart to stop breaking over what happened that day. I know that only through a perpetual broken and humble heart, will God be able to use me.

Why this difficulty?

Because He loves you. He has in mind to strip you of depending on yourself in ways you didn't even know you were depending on yourself, to humble you and create something beautiful.

Entry #23 - Persistence + Patience = Perseverance

  The persistent widow (Luke 18) did not give up until she was given justice. Jesus likens this parable to our prayer life, encouraging us to be persistent in prayer. God always answers our prayers. Sometimes the answer is "yes," sometimes it's "no," sometimes it's "wait." But He always answers.

  James 5:7 - "Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains." I love the comparison of our life being compared to a farmer and his crop. Just as there are seasons in the weather that produce life, we go through seasons as well, and those seasons are necessary for growth. We need the rains as well as the sunshine. And the farmer is patient because he knows his crop is valuable. Anything that is of value is going to take work, effort, and patience.


  I think I have been persevering (or trying to), without keeping the persisting + patience part into perspective. Persevering is work. I am tired emotionally and spiritually in my efforts to just "persevere." Having patience can be restful. Persisting is simply not giving up. Together, they equal perseverance. Galatians 6:9 - "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." I don't want to take the easy route that teaches me nothing and produces nothing of value. I want to persevere in patience, and persistence.