Gratitude, joy, and self-discipline

The first two words in this title are easy to associate with each other--throwing the third into the mix is probably more rare.

Lately I have been thinking about this concept of self-discipline, and my own pitfall in the form of a false either-or. The tension sat with me and bounced around in my brain for weeks until finally something new occurred to me.

The false either-or that I had created for myself was that there are basically two ways to live. The first is to be self-disciplined, busy, scheduled, "purposeful", and generally cranky, save perhaps for some self-important commiseration with others under the same slavery of significance. The second is to loosen up on those things, make oneself available for nearly any recreation invitations, do fun things, have friends, and fall very far short of one's highest aspirations--even if they were Kingdom-minded aspirations.

I have forayed many times into lifestyle #1. It can feel intoxicating, but the buzz always wore off around dinner time, along with my ability to function, and I knew that I was lacking something very basic and necessary in my life, and I knew that it involved other people, and laughter. I have also attempted to force myself into lifestyle #2 on several occasions, seeking to put "community" first--attending everything available that involved other people. This was met with all sorts of problems: I prefer small groups of people but feel very uncomfortable in large crowds. I would feel exhausted and confused without enough alone time (I'm an INTP). I felt aimless in life, as if I were ignoring the passion God has placed in me, pretending it weren't there, just to eat less dinners alone.

But gradually I realized that there must be some type of fusion: A way to experience everything good in "fullness". And finally, it occurred to me that the element missing from my idea of self-discipline was gratitude. If you find a miserable, serious, stoic person who never laughs, and they tell you they are busy being busy for the Lord out of gratitude to Him, you are speaking to a confused person, or a liar. Gratitude does not breed slavery.

Oh, I was entirely in favor of gratitude, just less clear about how it would integrate into my life. I know that salvation has been purchased for me at a very high price, but I had battles to fight myself.

This is the statement that I wrote down:

(click the image if it's too small to read)