Gratitude, joy, and self-discipline

The first two words in this title are easy to associate with each other--throwing the third into the mix is probably more rare.

Lately I have been thinking about this concept of self-discipline, and my own pitfall in the form of a false either-or. The tension sat with me and bounced around in my brain for weeks until finally something new occurred to me.

The false either-or that I had created for myself was that there are basically two ways to live. The first is to be self-disciplined, busy, scheduled, "purposeful", and generally cranky, save perhaps for some self-important commiseration with others under the same slavery of significance. The second is to loosen up on those things, make oneself available for nearly any recreation invitations, do fun things, have friends, and fall very far short of one's highest aspirations--even if they were Kingdom-minded aspirations.

I have forayed many times into lifestyle #1. It can feel intoxicating, but the buzz always wore off around dinner time, along with my ability to function, and I knew that I was lacking something very basic and necessary in my life, and I knew that it involved other people, and laughter. I have also attempted to force myself into lifestyle #2 on several occasions, seeking to put "community" first--attending everything available that involved other people. This was met with all sorts of problems: I prefer small groups of people but feel very uncomfortable in large crowds. I would feel exhausted and confused without enough alone time (I'm an INTP). I felt aimless in life, as if I were ignoring the passion God has placed in me, pretending it weren't there, just to eat less dinners alone.

But gradually I realized that there must be some type of fusion: A way to experience everything good in "fullness". And finally, it occurred to me that the element missing from my idea of self-discipline was gratitude. If you find a miserable, serious, stoic person who never laughs, and they tell you they are busy being busy for the Lord out of gratitude to Him, you are speaking to a confused person, or a liar. Gratitude does not breed slavery.

Oh, I was entirely in favor of gratitude, just less clear about how it would integrate into my life. I know that salvation has been purchased for me at a very high price, but I had battles to fight myself.

This is the statement that I wrote down:

(click the image if it's too small to read)

Communion Meditation, 8/5/12

“waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life” (Jude verse 21)

One of the things we do as we wait, as an expression of this very waiting “for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life”, is to take the Lord’s Supper. The word “waiting”, of course, is a forward-looking word. We tend not to think of communion, though, as a forward-looking time. After all, it is a time to focus on the suffering of Jesus Christ in our place. That’s true—and it’s the primary thing. We also want to not take it in an unworthy manner, so we take stock of our present lives. That’s fine.

But we should remember that Jesus suffered and died for us, to purchase for us, eternal life with Him. Though we taste of this eternal life now in the present, the fullness of it is yet to come—so we are waiting for his mercy as Jude verse 21 says, because the full gift of His mercy is yet to come. And so when we take communion, Paul says in I Cor. 11:26, “as often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until He comes.”

Communion, then is a time for looking back, and for looking forward. We look backwards to the costly purchase of mercy, and we look forward to the full benefits of mercy.

Self-evaluation: my one resolution

Generally, if I am going to reflect on something personal, I do it on my other blog, "Dimly as Through a Mirror". We (myself, Dianne, and Chariti) blog here about things the Lord is teaching us, but in a less testimonial/biographical way. However, I am going to make an exception this time, to reflect on the last month.

Here is why, part 1: One of my inspirations for starting this blog was Jonathan Edwards, in particular his Resolutions. These sobering standards which he set for himself and committed to, reminded me of the great importance of eternal things and inspired me to inspire others with a holy tunnel-vision set on God and eternity. Hence this blog.

Here is why, part 2: Towards the end of 2011 I brought a personal situation to the attention of somebody on my (then) church's staff, and was berated for it. My intentions were completely misunderstood in the most negative way possible and I received a verbal lashing (over e-mail). Wanting to work out the situation itself before responding to this leader, I said nothing. I will always regret that I said nothing. Because once some time goes by, it becomes awkward and unnatural later to bring up something so serious. It may be for some sharp-tongued people that they need to discipline themselves to think before they speak. For myself, an incessantly contemplative and intellectual person who is perplexed by people's sudden and emotional responses, I have concluded that I need to discipline myself to speak up, at the very moment. And so my one resolution for 2012 has been, to be more forthright, with everyone, about everything, at every opportunity. 

And this was not some vague intention of mine. I was face-to-face with the river I absolutely must ford on the journey of manhood/adulthood. There were times in my college years when I responded to disrespect from a friend by distancing myself from that friend and effectively ending the friendship. Times, plural. Close friendships. My mindset was that if a person will disrespect you, they are not a friend, and that demanding respect only hands them the knife back to stab you again. Granted, there are times to distance oneself from a person, but I was not handling these situations in a mature way. Over time I realized this, and my experience with the church leader brought this truth to a head.

So the following are just some notes of how this has played out through January.

-I speak up for myself with my supervisor at work. She sometimes communicates negative messages in an indirect way, but I respond in a way that is more direct. Not nasty at all. But I did once reply to an e-mail, "Why did you send this to the department, and not just me?" when that e-mail seemingly only involved me and some work I needed to do. I know that even though I can be absent-minded, I work with integrity and do my best before God. And I do a pretty good job. And if that is true, then what can a supervisor complain about?

-I don't want to start aiming for a "perfect record" of standing up for myself, as a way of dealing with past omissions that I regret. I don't want to walk around itching for a confrontation so that I can prove myself again and again. I have to let the past be the past and let God, not myself or my discipline, be my joy.

-In a discussion with coworkers, shared my unpopular, Christian view of homosexuality, that it is a sin. This is something I would have done anyway, but fits the theme.

-Thankful that the Lord brought this whole issue to my attention, even if it was through pain. He disciplines those whom He loves! I know of so many grown men who seem to never address these types of issues in themselves. Think of all the small churches that are essentially run by an aggressive pastor's wife or elder's wife, and the men simply follow! Yikes. As I grow in this, He is sparing me a lot of pain and making me more of a man.

-Sometimes this resolution of mine to be more forthright is an issue of standing up for truth/the Gospel, and sometimes it is about standing up for myself (or perhaps someone else). It may be asked, why would you devote time and energy to standing up for yourself? After all, it's not about you, it's about Him and His glory. To this I would respond, (1) all people are created in the image of God and worthy of respect, (2) this resolution does not make me #1, but rather endorses what is true in all situations, and God is the source, embodiment, and author of *all* truth, (3) friendships flourish in environments of honesty, and lastly (4) it is most respectful to the people around you to be forthright, and it is better for them. It also gives people (in certain situations when repentance is needed) a chance to repent. Doesn't Jesus do that?

God grant me and you the boldness to stand up for ourselves and what is true.